Real men don’t line Dance!

This past Friday night Millie and I went to a dance at the campground activity center. We were looking forward to it as the band "Pure Country Gold" is one of the best making the snowbird circuit. Unfortunately for us the dance floor was comandered by line dancers leaving little or no room for couples. I was so irritated the next day I wrote a two page rant about it. It is rather harsh so I sat on it for 24 hours. Reading it again this morning, it is what it is.

Real men don’t line Dance!

Unfortunately today’s blog won’t be written from my usual happy go lucky perspective. No, today I must get up on my soapbox and speak against a plague that has been slowly spreading across the country. In the past year it’s reached epidemic proportions and I’m sad to report may be at its tipping point. Yes, dance halls all across America may never again see couples gracefully gliding across the floor, nor swishing skirts as men swing their ladies to livelier tunes. Not even slow dances are safe from the relentless hordes that shamelessly overrun dance floors.

No, this is atrocity is not a flash mob, wayward aerobics class or even midnight shoppers from Fergusson Missouri. The infected souls, seemingly normal by light of day are transformed into puppet like minions when exposed to music. They then attempt synchronized movements which look to the casual observer not unlike a march of zombies. Not since the apostles of Jim Jones have I seen such bizarre behavior. At least these sad folks are just lining up for public ridicule and not Cool Aid. The sad thing about this mess is they think their choreographed prancing is actual dancing and in fact have named it….Line Dancing.

I’m not a historian on the subject but I suspect its origins came from white people’s weddings. It’s a known fact that most white men have very little rhythm, those who can dance have had to work very hard at learning it. Most, knowing they have some anonymity in a crowded floor take the easy way out and just fake it. This is made easier with an alcohol bracer which also explains the tradition of open bars at weddings.

The wedding reception combination of alcohol and mob mentality leads to some bizarre behavior; and thus was born….the Chicken Dance! Over the decades thousand of men have left the safety of the masses to snake out of the crowd in a line of revelers attempting a coordinated promenade. I paint no more; you’ve all seen the picture at countless weddings.

 At the same time the Chicken dance was evolving women started a movement not only at weddings but everywhere dancing notes were played. Frustrated with the lack of talented male dancers they started dancing with other women. WASP social standards as they are in the US, women had to dance a fine line on physical contact. Women with women was acceptable for dances with limited touching like “The Bop” or even the ‘Polka”. But, for slower dances where couples embrace, women had to invent something else and it was the line dance. 

 Right now I imagine I’ve raised some skepticism, but ask yourself this question. When was the first time you saw a line dance? Ten will get you twenty it was at a wedding and it was all women. This was readily accepted for several reasons; gyrating women are nice to look at and it saved the nonperforming men from embarrassing themselves. Their numbers were small and they didn’t infringe on floor space needed by traditional dancing couples so everybody was happy.

 Somewhere along the line the “Chicken Dance” men got the misguided notion that if they joined the line dancing women they would all look like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. This is really ironic because the women only started the line dance because the dump assed men wouldn’t or couldn’t dance with them. Men, I hate to be one to break the bad news, but it’s not working. You’ll never look like Fred if your best move is the puppet promenade. 

This is the story of line dancing as I see it. I wouldn’t have a problem with it had it not morphed into the dance floor gobbling amalgamation that we are experiencing today. As I said earlier it may be too late to stop the assault but I have to try. It’s going to be short and painful.

Line Dancing men……You look like idiots!

If you can’t dance with a partner you can’t line dance either. I’ve yet to see a man line dancing who didn’t remind me of a Howdy Doody puppet.

By now I know I’ve rustled a few feathers, but before you say I don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s fun, blah, blah, just stop. I have done coordinated line demonstrations, forty some years ago I received free line dance lessons courtesy of the US Army. My instructor was a demented SOB named Sergeant Torres who instilled the finer points of synchronized movement in a dance called “Military Drill”. I’m sure you’ve at least heard some terms of this parade, right shoulder arms, parade rest, attennn..tion! We even learned the military version of the chicken dance in a strut called “Forced Marches.” We did it to such tunes as “I want to be an airborne ranger….I want to live a life of danger!” and “your left, your left, your left right left.”

Line Dancing wasn’t all that much fun then and in the 45 years since I’ve never been inclined to revisit it.

I doubt there is much anyone can really do to halt the invasion of dancing zombie hordes and I’m going to end my rant now.  But seriously, I want to leave men, especially those struggling with line dancing temptation, this bit of wisdom and maybe, just maybe I can save one or two. 

Dancing should be a contact sport. If you’re not holding a girl in your arms, then it’s just not worth doing!