This past Friday night Millie and I went to a dance at the campground activity center. We were looking forward to it as the band "Pure Country Gold" is one of the best making the snowbird circuit. Unfortunately for us the dance floor was comandered by line dancers leaving little or no room for couples. I was so irritated the next day I wrote a two page rant about it. It is rather harsh so I sat on it for 24 hours. Reading it again this morning, it is what it is.
Real men don’t line Dance!
Unfortunately today’s blog won’t be written from my usual
happy go lucky perspective. No, today I must get up on my soapbox and speak
against a plague that has been slowly spreading across the country. In the past
year it’s reached epidemic proportions and I’m sad to report may be at its
tipping point. Yes, dance halls all across America may never again see couples
gracefully gliding across the floor, nor swishing skirts as men swing their
ladies to livelier tunes. Not even slow dances are safe from the relentless
hordes that shamelessly overrun dance floors.
No, this is atrocity is not a flash mob, wayward aerobics
class or even midnight shoppers from Fergusson Missouri. The infected souls, seemingly
normal by light of day are transformed into puppet like minions when exposed to
music. They then attempt synchronized movements which look to the casual
observer not unlike a march of zombies. Not since the apostles of Jim Jones
have I seen such bizarre behavior. At least these sad folks are just lining up
for public ridicule and not Cool Aid. The sad thing about this mess is they
think their choreographed prancing is actual dancing and in fact have named
it….Line Dancing.
I’m not a historian on the subject but I suspect its origins
came from white people’s weddings. It’s a known fact that most white men have
very little rhythm, those who can dance have had to work very hard at learning
it. Most, knowing they have some anonymity in a crowded floor take the easy way
out and just fake it. This is made easier with an alcohol bracer which also
explains the tradition of open bars at weddings.
The wedding reception combination of alcohol and mob
mentality leads to some bizarre behavior; and thus was born….the Chicken Dance!
Over the decades thousand of men have left the safety of the masses to snake
out of the crowd in a line of revelers attempting a coordinated promenade. I
paint no more; you’ve all seen the picture at countless weddings.
At the same time the Chicken dance was evolving women
started a movement not only at weddings but everywhere dancing notes were
played. Frustrated with the lack of talented male dancers they started dancing
with other women. WASP social standards as they are in the US, women had
to dance a fine line on physical contact. Women with women was acceptable for
dances with limited touching like “The Bop” or even the ‘Polka”. But, for slower
dances where couples embrace, women had to invent something else and it was the
line dance.
Right now I imagine I’ve raised some skepticism, but ask
yourself this question. When was the first time you saw a line dance? Ten will
get you twenty it was at a wedding and it was all women. This was readily
accepted for several reasons; gyrating women are nice to look at and it saved
the nonperforming men from embarrassing themselves. Their numbers were small
and they didn’t infringe on floor space needed by traditional dancing couples
so everybody was happy.
Somewhere along the line the “Chicken Dance” men got the
misguided notion that if they joined the line dancing women they would all look
like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. This is really ironic because the women
only started the line dance because the dump assed men wouldn’t or couldn’t
dance with them. Men, I hate to be one to break the bad news, but it’s not
working. You’ll never look like Fred if your best move is the puppet promenade.
This is the story of line dancing as I see it. I wouldn’t
have a problem with it had it not morphed into the dance floor gobbling
amalgamation that we are experiencing today. As I said earlier it may be too
late to stop the assault but I have to try. It’s going to be short and painful.
Line Dancing men……You look like idiots!
If you can’t dance with a partner you can’t line dance
either. I’ve yet to see a man line dancing who didn’t remind me of a Howdy
Doody puppet.
By now I know I’ve rustled a few feathers, but before you
say I don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s fun, blah, blah, just stop. I
have done coordinated line demonstrations, forty some years ago I received free
line dance lessons courtesy of the US Army. My instructor was a demented SOB
named Sergeant Torres who instilled the finer points of synchronized movement
in a dance called “Military Drill”. I’m sure you’ve at least heard some terms of
this parade, right shoulder arms, parade rest, attennn..tion! We even learned
the military version of the chicken dance in a strut called “Forced Marches.” We
did it to such tunes as “I want to be an airborne ranger….I want to live a life
of danger!” and “your left, your left, your left right left.”
Line Dancing wasn’t all that much fun then and in the 45
years since I’ve never been inclined to revisit it.
I doubt there is much anyone can really do to halt the
invasion of dancing zombie hordes and I’m going to end my rant now. But seriously, I want to leave men, especially
those struggling with line dancing temptation, this bit of wisdom and maybe,
just maybe I can save one or two.
Dancing should be a contact sport. If you’re not holding a
girl in your arms, then it’s just not worth doing!
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